Why do I do this? Why do I continue to follow God, and live on mission?

At the very core of being a missionary disciple lies a twofold turning: a surrender to the Living God and an opening to our neighbor. Even for those of us raised in the faith, there eventually comes a moment where a divine encounter pierces the surface, calling us to a permanent, radical discipleship. It is an invitation to witness to God’s immense goodness in a way that feels entirely new, reaching out to those closest to us. Our friends at FOCUS often describe this as the essential dual conversion—one that reorients us toward the Father and simultaneously toward every person we meet.

Throughout this month, we are exploring the roots of our twin vocation. We are looking back to ask: what was it that sparked our own response to follow Him and go out on mission? Welcome to these reflections on the wildness of missionary discipleship. I will begin with my conversion to God, invite others connected to The Mark 5:19 Project in to share their stories. — Susan Windley-Daoust

One morning when I was 27 years old and spending life in a library researching theology, I woke up, got up, and fell down on the floor with the worst vertigo I had experienced, ever. I wiggled to the bathroom and spent the day vomiting. I thought it was the worst flu I ever had in my life.

It wasn’t the flu. I was left with one ear deaf, and ongoing vertigo. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease, and told the hearing wasn’t coming back–the inner ear cells were dead. When I asked if this was going to move to my other ear, they said, there is a 50% chance that will happen. You’ll know within five years.

I knew within 12 months. One day I was teaching, and I had a wave of vertigo–but clearly it was centered on the other ear.

I wish I could say I was a model of holiness in this time. Beyond the medical reality, there was a lot going on–a new job, finishing a dissertation, a friend who went silent, a move across the country, and lots of medical appointments to even get the correct diagnosis. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, and I was mostly in hyper-management mode as an antidote to panic. It almost worked–but not quite. The “my other ear is ringing and swelling and I could lose the rest of my hearing tomorrow” reality kind of proved that my panic was just papered over by busyness.

Desperate, I went to a priest that I worked with, a friend in my new academic department. When I announced I had lost my hearing in the first ear (I had just been hired a week prior), he kindly reached out and said he would be happy to pray with me if that was something I wanted, given the health problems. I was moved by the kindness but told him I did not need that now, thanks. 12 months later, I definitely needed that…now. We set a time to meet.

He listened to my story for a long time, and spent a lot of it trying to calm me down. (You could still teach; you could learn ASL, etc.) But eventually he said, “We met to pray. Let’s bring God into this.” And he began to pray for healing.

I was startled. Healing? What are you doing, praying for healing?

Um. You don’t want to be healed?

I thought you were going to pray for courage or something.

Okay, we can do that. But don’t you want to be physically healed?

I looked at him with shock. God doesn’t do that.

So that led to another rather long discussion, where he assured me Jesus does heal and he has seen it. I tried to convince him we should be praying for an end to war in Syria, and he said we could pray for both and God can do both, there is no divine pie of grace to cut here. Finally, he said, 

Look. Do you believe Jesus Christ is “the same yesterday, today, and forever”?

That’s Hebrews…. (stalling for time, because I knew where this was going)

Yes, it is. Do you believe that?

Long pause. I do.

Then you have no problems here. We can pray for healing. God will decide how to answer that prayer. He will answer it by healing your hearing, or giving you the grace and peace to live with it. Do you want to pray?

Okay–yes.

At that point, we prayed, and I received sacramental anointing. I felt peace. No hearing–but so much peace. And I hadn’t felt that in months. 

The next day, I wandered around the city, enjoying the absence of panic, and wondering what was next on the adventure. I found a bookstore and stopped in to check out the religion section. I saw a book on healing prayer he had mentioned and bought it.

I walked back home and read. I felt the slightest bit of hope when I was reading. I sped through the book and began to pray.

To my surprise, the Holy Spirit rushed into the room–there is no other way to put it. What was happening was loud, wind-like, powerful, and I had a sense of blue light around my ears (like the hottest part of a match). But it was utterly clear to me: this was God.

I was lying down, and simply stayed still. It felt like a long time–maybe an hour, but I don’t know. Then I sensed a voice saying “now, go to sleep.” That seemed absurd to me, but I said, okay–and I did.

I woke up, got up, and heard and felt a loud pop in my deaf ear.

About 90% of my hearing immediately came back. Those dead inner ear cells. Alive and working. After 20 minutes of shock, I cried.

The next day, I met with my priest-friend. I was floored, grateful, and confused. I had questions.

But why? 

To begin with, because God loves you. And it was his will to encounter you in this way.

But…that’s not the God I have studied, that I know. This is just not my theology.

Maybe that’s why God broke in. You know, to “break” your faulty theology.

And that was the end of one life and the beginning of another. My life has been radically turned to God ever since. But the credit is entirely his. I barely opened the door for him. But that encounter with the Holy Spirit changed my hearing, my life plans, my attention, and my priorities. I am forever grateful there is a wideness–and a wildness–to God’s mercy.

Reflecting back, that moment of physical healing was the beginning of a much deeper spiritual restoration. It taught me that God is not a distant concept or a static theological principle, but a living, breathing presence that desires to break into our carefully managed lives. This is the heart of why I share this story: not just to recount a miracle, but to remind us that God is still active, still speaking, and still seeking us out in our most desperate moments. I invite you to look at your own life—where have you encountered a “wideness and wildness” in God’s mercy? Perhaps it wasn’t a loud pop or a rush of wind, but a quiet nudge or a sudden peace that defied your circumstances. God waits for us in the unexpected, ready to transform our faulty theologies and broken hearts into a living relationship.

*You can read all the missionary discipleship conversion stories at https://mark519project.org/category/missionary-discipleship-stories/.